I've seen a lot of your talk as CEO of the recently uber merged United Airlines on the pre-flight safety intro videos. You're there in front of me before every flight, smugly touting the newly redesigned aircraft interiors and beaming about upgrading the product from the inside out. However, all your upgrades will be fruitless if you don't upgrade the real substance of your product -- the service.

Incident Date: Monday, April 9, 2012

Incident Flight: UA 804 from NRT to IAD

It cost me well over $1,000 to get this flight, and yet basic courtesy and common decency were apparently not included in the ticket price.

A young Asian American stewardess was serving the first of our 2 in-flight meals, popping from passenger to passenger as if she was trying to beat a personal best in how fast she could zoom through the cabin. We were like those floating gold coins on a timed lap of Mario Kart (ding-ding-ding!) and she had to collect as many as possible in the shortest amount of time. She got visibly impatient if you so much as took an extra second to decide what you wanted to eat or drink, as if you were ruining her chances at setting a new record. I mean, seriously, what on earth is the rush? The flight is nearly 14 hours long. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon, so I don't think a few extra minutes of courtesy is going to kill you. She spoke so quickly and at regular conversation decibel even I had a hard time following with all the ambient noise in the airplane, much less the half-deaf elderly man seated next to me. Additionally, his hands were so shaky he had trouble operating the new touchscreens outfitted to each seat.

The flight attendant stopped at our row and pretty much spoke to the air when she asked if anyone wanted a meal, because it wasn't immediately obvious who she was talking to. In fact, I thought she was speaking to me at first (she wasn't). I was about to reply when she gave me that look. Not you, not now. So pipe down. She was actually asking the old man seated next to me, but who knew. She spoke with a voice I am absolutely, positively certain the old man couldn't hear, especially with how loud he must have had the movie playing on his headphones, you know, since he's hard of hearing. When she didn't get a response, she rolled her eyes, let out a sigh of frustration, and moved on. The man was actually trying to stop the program he was watching and figure out what was happening when the stewardess came around, but he just needed a little bit more TIME. She didn't repeat herself or even try to get his attention and simply moved on.

I tried to help by getting the man's attention for her, but by the time he responded she already dropped off my meal tray and was a couple rows behind us. He had also completely lost his place in the movie he was watching, much to his exasperation and dismay. My calls of "excuse me, miss" went unanswered, so I reached over from my aisle seat and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and came back over in a whirlwind of attitude. You wouldn't believe the level of condescension in her demeanor even if I told you. Well, I'm going to tell you all anyway.

She demanded to know what was the matter. The elderly man informed her that she had missed him (though totally skipped would have been a more accurate descriptor). She denied she had done so and retorted by saying he had told her he didn't want one. Really now? When did he say he didn't want one? He didn't even know you were there! How could he have said no!?! She also chastised the man for not speaking up if he had really wanted one, like the way a nanny tells a child he should have behaved if he wanted that lollipop. Are you really going to talk to someone older than you in a tone like that?

Not only that, she then proceeded to reprimand me like a kindergartener sent to time out. She seethed that if I wanted to get her attention, I should use my voice and not touch her.

Her treatment of me was rude. I can get over that. But the way she treated the elderly man was appalling, and it incenses me even now as I recollect. I should have gotten her name. I should have immediately asked to speak to her cabin crew supervisor. But I didn't want to make a scene for the tired elderly couple who just wanted to get home. So all I have is this experience that I am recording and circulating.

Jeff Smisek, this is not how decent human beings treat one another, and it is certainly not how we look after our elderly. This kind of treatment is shameful, and you should look into making this upgrade sooner than later.

Dear readers: Have you also had a terrible United Airlines flight experience? If so, what was it? How did they treat you? Share here!

Sometimes when I'm driving to work in the morning, I'll listen to The Kane Show. I generally don't like listening to talk radio at all, unless it's NPR, especially in the morning. But I do enjoy The Kane Show because Kane, Sarah, and Sammy just seem to have this on-air chemistry and humor I find genuinely entertaining that other radio show hosts do not, even though Kane and company tend to have young and edgy material and don't always have the most "wholesome" of programming.

The other day, they featured this girl called Jess for their prank call segment.

Jess is a receptionist for a local flower shop business and her biggest pet peeve of the year is on Valentine's Day. Not for reasons you might think. She gets driven absolutely up the wall by guys who call in to send flowers to their wives or girlfriends, and then also send flowers to their mistresses. Her friend Sarah thinks she's taking it a bit too personally, so Sarah wanted The Kane Show to prank call Jess to try and piss her off.

Sure enough, it worked.

Jess TOTALLY flipped out on Kane, who was role playing a (rather insensitive and crass) man that was trying to send flowers to his wife and his secretary (mistress) in the same call. In the prank call, Jess adamantly told Kane that guys like him are what's wrong with the world, told him he could take his business elsewhere, and hung up on him. And in a follow up call from Sarah, Jess defended her actions by explaining that she refused to be an agent in breaking up people's marriages.

Jess, kudos to you.

In the end, you were the one who truly punk'd the radio station and your friend. They had hoped to catch you saying something stupid, but instead your passion and integrity overpowered it all. You may have felt foolish that you were prank called on national radio, but you stood firmly by your convictions, though unpopular, in the moment of heat. You thought you were going through another routine call on the job, but the whole country now knows there are still young people today who cherish and willingly rise up to protect marriage regardless of what other people think.

The first time after I came back from Taiwan and re-experienced the subzero winters of North America once more, I had a qualifier to describe the cold weather that also at once made me nostalgic for Taiwan. It really made me depressed (because cold weather is depressing, and so is not being in Taiwan) when the temperature in Fahrenheit here was the same temperature in Celsius there.

These last couple of days have been those days once more. A frigid, barren 17 F here and a much warmer, more inviting 17 C there.

I'll get over it eventually. Just kidding. I never do.